Baby Wars
by ohwhatprovidence
Summary: Rachel and Kurt attend the same playgroup with their infant daughters. Hijinks ensue. Written for a prompt from the Glee Fluff Meme.


**A/N: Written for this prompt from the Glee Fluff Meme: _Futurefic: Klaine and Faberry attend coffee mornings together with a group of other parents so their one year old daughters can have other babies to socialize with. Both Kurt and Rachel squabble about whose baby can do what. Whose baby can walk, whose says their first word first, who can build a taller tower of blocks. It turns into a fully fledged competition where Kurt and Rachel start coaching their respective child to be the best in all areas then compete against each other. _**

"We need to start socializing Ceci."

Quinn looks up from the Sunday paper and sees Rachel entering the kitchen with their nine-month-old daughter on her hip. When the baby sees Quinn, she kicks her pudgy legs and gives a wide grin, revealing the beginnings of two front teeth.

"Good morning, baby girl," Quinn coos, reaching out and gladly accepting the infant when Rachel places her in her arms. Quinn presses a kiss to the baby's forehead and then manages to peck Rachel on the lips just before she begins fluttering around the kitchen.

"It has come to my attention that our daughter has never played with another baby," Rachel says as she begins to cut a banana into medallions, and then in half, and then into quarters. "She might not even know that other children _exist_."

"I think that's unlikely," Quinn replies, bouncing the baby on her knee gently and laughing when Ceci squeals in delight.

"It's _true_," Rachel insists. "This is a vital part of her development and I'm afraid she's going to fall behind if we don't rectify this immediately."

"Did you hear that, Ceci? We need to rectify this _immediately_," Quinn says in mock seriousness.

Rachel turns around with her hands on her hips and glares sternly at the blonde. "Would you like to see my research?" she asks, which actually means '_Would you like to watch a twenty-minute PowerPoint and then participate in a mandatory question and answer session afterward?_'

Quinn shakes her head quickly. "No, no, that's okay," she says with a forced smile.

"That's what I thought," Rachel grumbles. "I found a playgroup that meets just down the street."

Ceci (or Cecilia Noelle Berry-Fabray) was born in late December of the previous year, after almost a year of trying and failing to conceive a child. Rachel took a break from the stage in her second trimester, and originally she had plans to return six weeks after the baby was born. However, once Ceci came into their lives, their priorities shifted immediately, and Rachel made the decision to stay home with her indefinitely. She couldn't imagine leaving her baby for anything – not even to play Maureen in the Broadway revival of _Rent_.

Since then, Rachel has transitioned quite effortlessly into the role of a stay-at-home mom. She plans their days meticulously, down to the very minute that Ceci should be in her crib for her mid-morning nap and the exact amount of organic fruit puffs placed on her highchair tray every afternoon at three o'clock sharp. It's a little over-the-top, sure, but Rachel feels productive when she sets guidelines and then follows them precisely.

Quinn, for her part, just tries to stay supportive. She tries to remind Rachel to relax every now and then, but she mostly allows her to indulge in her helicopter-mom tendencies. This is most likely why their child is, in fact, quite sheltered. She's never been to daycare and she's never been left with anyone other than Brittany and Santana (_once_, and it was a disaster that Rachel refuses to speak of), and because none of their friends have children, it actually _doesn't_ come as a surprise to Quinn that their daughter hasn't really played with other kids, now that she thinks about it. She figures that it can't hurt to get Ceci used to playing with others, so she sees no reason to object to Rachel's latest idea.

"Sounds good," she says with a shrug.

"Excellent! They meet on Sundays at nine. Feed Ceci while I shower and then we'll be ready to go – I packed the diaper bag last night," Rachel says as she hurries out of the kitchen.

Quinn looks to Ceci with raised eyebrows. "Mama is crazy. Did you know that? She's _crazy_."

The baby girl claps happily, eliciting a smile from Quinn. "Yeah, I love it, too."

–––––

They enter the coffee shop at exactly nine o'clock, and the group is easy to spot. About ten adults are gathered on couches in the front of the café, with children of varying ages playing on the floor and smaller one sitting in laps. Rachel immediately feels like a horrible mother for not exposing Ceci to playgroup at six weeks old, as a few of these parents seem to be doing. She hopes to God that this won't have a long-term affect on her social skills.

They make their introductions to the group and then take seats on the sofa. Rachel is hesitant to let Ceci on the floor, because she's just never _done_ something like this before, but Quinn is not about to come to playgroup and keep Ceci on the sofa the whole time.

"Why don't you go order a drink, babe," Quinn suggests, pulling the baby into her lap. "I'll get Ceci settled."

Rachel looks at her dubiously. "Are you sure? Because I don't need anything, really, so I can just stay here and supervise while…"

Quinn pats Rachel's knee. "Go get a drink."

"But I…"

"Please."

Rachel stands with a sigh. "_Fine_. I'll be right back."

"Take your time!" Quinn calls after her, which earns her a dismissive wave from the brunette. When Rachel is out of sight, she turns her attention to the baby in her lap, who is enthralled with the new scenery and the unfamiliar faces. "Do you want to play, baby girl? Let's make some friends!"

She places her on the floor near her feet, where two other babies around her age are happily playing with brightly colored building blocks. Ceci blinks a few times, looking at the babies and then up at Quinn, and then back to the babies, and then back up at Quinn. Quinn smiles reassuringly, and then Ceci's eyebrows knit together in uncertainty as she slowly reaches out to grab a block.

And then the other babies _look_ at her, and apparently this is a great offense in Ceci's mind, because her lower lip immediately pops out in a pout and she looks back to Quinn with wide, teary eyes.

"Oh, no, no, Ceci, it's okay," she says softly, placing a soothing hand on the baby's back. "You're fine. They just want to play with you."

Ceci's lip starts quivering despite the comfort, and Quinn knows that a lip quiver is the first sign that a meltdown underway. She picks the baby up and holds her close, gently guiding her head to rest on Quinn's shoulder. Sure enough, Ceci clings to Quinn and lets out a high-pitched sob (right in her ear) moments later.

"Shh," Quinn whispers as she stands from the couch and begins bouncing and swaying in place. "It's okay. You're just fine, baby girl. You're going to get Mommy in trouble, though, if you don't stop crying."

She continues to rock and bounce and rub the baby's back, but nothing works; Ceci is still wailing, and she has begun to grab the attention of many coffee shop patrons in the process, including, of course, Rachel. When Quinn sees her rushing back toward the front of the café, she winces. This will not be pretty.

Just as Rachel is nearly close enough to take Ceci, she stops short and her eyes grow wide.

"Rach, she's _fine_, I promise. She was just a little nervous, and…Rachel? Rach, what are you looking at?"

Rachel blinks. "Kurt?"

–––––

"I had no idea that you two were living in the city!" Rachel exclaims as she rocks a hiccupping Ceci in her lap. "Or that you had a _baby_."

"We just relocated from London a few weeks ago," Kurt replies. "And yes, our Charlotte is nine months old."

"So is Ceci!" Rachel exclaims. "Her birthday is December thirtieth."

"Charlotte was born on Christmas," Kurt says with a smile, running his fingers through the little girl's light curls as she chews on a teething ring. "We figure you can't have a better birthday than that!"

"Oh," Rachel stiffens a bit. "Well, as a Jew, I would disagree, of course. It's just another day. No better than the first, or the eleventh, or, you know, the _thirtieth_."

Quinn senses the tension rising between the two divas and quickly changes the subject. "So, what have you guys been up to lately? We haven't seen you in years!"

"I just accepted a teaching position at Juilliard," Blaine replies.

"And I'm keeping busy with Charlotte," Kurt adds. "She is into everything these days, now that she's crawling. I'm sure you know what that's like."

"Well, actually, Ceci isn't crawling yet," Rachel mumbles.

"_Really_?" Kurt asks with wide eyes. When he recovers from his shock, he shrugs. "Well, I suppose every baby is different."

"She's extremely advanced intellectually," Rachel adds quickly. "She takes after me in that way, obviously."

Just then, an older child accidentally bumps into Rachel as he's toddling past her spot on the floor, and Ceci startles as the sudden movement, sending her into a new round of loud, messy sobs.

"I would say that's not the only way she takes after you," Kurt observes.

Rachel simply smiles tersely and excuses herself to calm Ceci down outside, leaving Kurt smirking and Blaine and Quinn sharing a look of befuddlement.

–––––

"We should move to London," Rachel says suddenly. She has been relatively quiet for much of the day, so when she announces this idea while they're cleaning up after dinner, Quinn can only manage to raise an eyebrow at the brunette.

"I think it would be a good experience for Ceci," Rachel continues. "It's important to expose her to different cultures. Oooh, actually, we should move to _Paris_ so we can immerse her in a foreign language. Yes, Paris."

"Okay," Quinn says slowly. "Well, I mean, I don't think it's really feasible to just pick up and move to _Paris_, Rach."

"We'd come back to New York eventually. Just think of it as an extended vacation. Also, we would wait until Ceci was older. Maybe when she's two, so that she'll actually benefit from it. Kurt is so smug about Charlotte living in London for six months, but you know what? She won't remember it," Rachel says peevishly, as she loads plates into the dishwasher with a bit more force than necessary.

"That's what this is about?" Quinn asks, shaking her head and laughing. "Rach, this isn't Glee club. Kurt is not your competition."

"I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about."

"You two had an good, old-fashioned pissing match this morning over your _babies_. It was pretty obvious."

Rachel wrinkles her nose. "That was very crude, Quinn, and wholly inaccurate. I merely felt the need to defend _our daughter_ against Kurt's constant suggestions that she is inferior to theirs."

"I think that's somewhat of an overreaction, babe. He was just bragging a bit. Just like you were, if I might add."

"Well, the difference is that Ceci actually _is_ incredible."

"I'll give you that." Quinn drapes her arms around Rachel's waist and rests her chin on the smaller woman's shoulder. "Please, just promise me that you're going to be civil."

"Of course I'll be _civil_," Rachel says with a scoff. "I'm not some Neanderthal that you have to fear letting loose on the unsuspecting public."

"Will you be _nice_?"

Rachel is silent.

"Rachel! You will be nice," Quinn warns.

Rachel's shoulders slump. "Yes, I'll be nice."

–––––

"Kurt, really, there is no need to take offense. I am not judging your parenting choices, I'm merely stating that a pacifier at this age is quite unnecessary and it could hinder poor Charlotte's dental health. That's probably why she doesn't have any teeth yet. Ceci was never offered a pacifier and as you can see, her front two teeth are growing in _beautifully_."

"Blaine and I are quite well aware of the pros and cons of pacifiers, Rachel, though your concern is touching," Kurt says with a saccharine smile. "However, Charlotte sees her pacifier as a comfort item right now and we are not interested in inflicting any undue trauma on our _nine-month-old_. We would rather have a happy, toothless baby than one with teeth and a penchant for shattering glass."

Rachel huffs and instinctually pulls Ceci close to her. The water glass that broke during her tantrum earlier that morning was a _complete_ coincidence.

On the couch, Blaine and Quinn are watching the exchange in horror. They've been going at it all morning, growing increasingly petty with every passing minute.

"I thought they were friends," Blaine mutters. "I don't get it."

"They are, kind of, but everything between them has to be a competition," Quinn says, rolling her eyes. "I apologize on behalf of my wife, by the way. You are doing a great job with Charlotte."

"And please don't listen to Kurt; Ceci is a doll," Blaine replies.

They share a friendly smile, but their exchange is cut short by a loud _hmmph_ from across the room.

"Quinn!" Rachel cries. "Please confirm in Kurt's presence that Cecilia said her first word at three months."

"This is humiliating," Quinn mumbles into her hands. "_Humiliating_."

–––––

"Come on, sweetie. You can do it. Do it for Mama, honey," Rachel urges, placing a building block in Ceci's tiny hand. "Just…see what I'm doing?"

She stacks four blocks on top of each other slowly, making sure that Ceci is watching. When the small girl swipes at the tower with her hands and giggles when they fall, Rachel groans. "No, we're _building_ a tower, baby."

"Rachel, really, you shouldn't pressure her into things like that. Playgroup should be fun. She just doesn't have the coordination or concentration for building towers like Charlotte," Kurt says. "It's nothing to be ashamed of; just let her have fun."

"Shut it, Hummel," Rachel snaps. "Her hand-eye coordination is exemplary, thank you very much."

"That's an awfully defensive reaction, darling," Kurt replies, his hands up in surrender. "It was merely an observation."

Quinn exhales loudly and looks to Blaine. "Can we just pretend we're not with them?"

–––––

"Mamamamama," Ceci babbles, banging a wooden spoon against the floor of the coffee shop.

"She's just babbling, Lottie," Kurt says in Charlotte's ear. "She can't really talk yet. She's just trying to psych you out."

"She's a _baby_, Kurt!" Blaine says with an exasperated sigh.

"She's _Rachel's_ baby," he replies. "She comes by borderline psychotic competitiveness naturally."

"Hey!" Rachel exclaims, just as Blaine warns Kurt to knock it off.

"Actually," Quinn says with a defeated sigh. "That's probably true."

–––––

The weeks pass, and the tension in playgroup rises steadily. With every milestone and achievement reached by either Charlotte or Ceci, there comes an irresistible urge for their parents to attempt to one-up each other. When Charlotte starts cruising furniture one morning before Ceci is even crawling, Quinn begins to worry that she'll need to come up with an alibi for Rachel if Kurt mysteriously goes missing.

It's a few days before Ceci turns ten months, and Rachel and Quinn are catching up on some television after dinner, while the baby plays on the floor. Rachel is in the middle of offering her own critique of a contestant's performance on _American Idol_ when Quinn suddenly grabs her arm.

"Rach, look!"

Rachel tears her gaze away from the TV to see Ceci standing in the middle of the room with her arms out in front of her. She takes a shaky, tentative step, and both of her mothers gasp. She takes another, grinning wildly as she does.

"Oh my God," Quinn breathes. "She's doing it!"

"Yes!" Rachel cries, hopping off the couch. "Where is my phone? I need to send a video to Kurt!"

–––––

When they show up to playgroup three days later and Rachel proudly places Ceci on her feet and lets her walk across the room, Kurt brings up the link between walking before crawling and dyslexia.

The fight that ensues gets them kicked out of playgroup.

Permanently.

"That's not even _true_," Rachel says as they walk back to their apartment, two hours earlier than normal. "That's a silly myth with no basis in science, whatsoever, and I am certain that Kurt is well aware of its illegitimacy. I understand that he is jealous of Ceci, and rightfully so, but _really_, to stoop that low is just…"

"Rachel!" Quinn snaps, stopping in her tracks on the sidewalk. "This is ridiculous. You just got us _banned_ from a playgroup. That is, like…that just does not happen. That's how ridiculous this is."

"While I will admit that this is a rather unfortunate situation," Rachel says with a frown. "I would argue that Kurt is mostly as fault."

"And I would argue that you are both _insane_," Quinn replies. "Using our baby to settle some high school feud," she mutters. "Insanity."

"I was just so tired of him always suggesting that Charlotte was somehow better than Ceci." She sighs and reaches for the baby girl in Quinn's arms.

"No," Quinn says sternly, holding the baby tighter. "I am revoking your Ceci privileges. Consider the baby confiscated until further notice. Blaine and I are taking the girls to the park, and you are going over to work things out with Kurt."

"You _cannot_ revoke my Ceci privileges!" Rachel nearly yells, completely aghast at the thought.

"Babe, you don't even want to know how many privileges I am ready and willing to revoke if you don't form a truce with Kurt."

This gets Rachel's attention. "We meet on neutral territory or I'm out."

"Fine," Quinn says. "Come to the park with us and you can sort it all out over picnic lunch. I don't even care. Just figure it out."

"_Fine_," Rachel huffs, crossing her arms over her chest and walking quickly, leaving Quinn behind on the sidewalk. It's hard to perform a storm-out when one is already outside, but Rachel feels that if any situation warrants an attempt at one anyway, this is it.

–––––

An hour later, Blaine and Quinn watch from the baby swings as Rachel and Kurt shake hands firmly while standing under the pavilion.

"How much do you want to bet that they just agreed to a crib-match between Charlotte and Ceci?" Blaine asks, only half-kidding.

"At this point? It would not surprise me," Quinn replies, watching the two of them closely as they walk toward the swings.

"Is everything okay now?" she asks when they finally reach the swingset.

"Absolutely," Rachel replies with a bright smile, looking over to Kurt, who smiles in return. "Everything is fine."

"We understand how childish we have been in the past month, and we are both deeply ashamed of our actions," Kurt says. "In the future, we won't allow our own competitiveness to interfere with the children."

"Except when it comes to theatre auditions, at which point I cannot be held accountable for my actions," Rachel adds. "Not that I need to worry about Ceci, of course, given her parentage."

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" Kurt demands.

"Kurt, while I highly doubt that you are unaware of my accolades, I will entertain your feigned ignorance in the interest of being a bigger person. Two Tony Award wins, three nominations, three Drama Desk awards, _four_ nom…"

Quinn pinches the bridge of her nose and then looks to Blaine. "This is the best we can ask for, isn't it?"

Blaine sighs. "I'm afraid so."

–––––

"Mommy! Mama! It's right here!" Ceci exclaims, pointing to the middle seat at a table with three small chairs in her Kindergarten classroom. "Look at the placemat. It says C-E-C-I-L-I-A! This is my spot!"

"Good work, baby girl!" Rachel says with enthusiasm. "Let's see if you can read the names of your table mates, huh?"

Ceci nods quickly. "I bet I can! Um, over here on the left side…"

"Right side, sweetie," Quinn interjects.

"On the _right_ side," Ceci says with a smile. "That says…Cate! And over here…uh, hmm…Mama, what's this one?"

Rachel looks to the placemat to the left of Ceci's. "Ooh, that's a tough one. It says Charlotte, baby," she replies.

Just then, the door to the classroom opens, and the moment is so eerily similar to one nearly five years earlier, that it's nearly as if they're experiencing déjà vu.

"_Kurt_?" Rachel says with wide eyes.

Quinn slaps her hand to her forehead. "Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me."


End file.
